The hurrier I go the behinder I get

When I was growing up, my grandma had a sign hanging in her kitchen, it said, 'The hurrier I go the behinder I get'. It used to confuse me so much and I'd ask my grandma what it meant and she'd say, sometimes going to fast will slow you down. I'd get even more confused!  But grandma you can't go fast and still be slow,,,,anyways, that memory popped on my head today as I pushed Georgia's feed in a bit faster than usual because I had somewhere to be. She ended up refluxing and we were an hour late leaving the house. It was a lesson I can relate to so many aspects of raising her. I want to push her so hard.  Push more calories, more ounces, more therapies, more doctors, more tummy time. Why?  Because I want her to do everything else on time, normally,,,to prove she's normal, nothing's wrong.   She needs to hit all her milestones because she didn't hit the first & most important one,,,,eating. 

Everytime her nurse comes, she tells me, "remember, Georgia does everything on her own time". It's so true. She's always waited until we're all worried before she just decides to do something. I need to slow down, enjoy her and let her grow and develop. It seems like when i try and push her, she regresses. She's proven us all wrong up to this point and I have more faith now than ever that she's going to eat,,,when she decides to ;)

This is probably the most honest post I've ever written. I just want to clarify, if there proves to be something wrong and she doesn't hit her milestones I'm okay with that. Just having an undiagnosed child with an uncertain future weighs heavy on your mind. If she skips other major milestones we are looking at a very serious issue. It's hard to deal with that threat, when you don't know what it will look like. So this post is about needing to enjoy who Georgia is, not try to push her to be what I want her to be.

Unwearyingness

Scripture study tonight; Helaman 10:5  And now because you have done this with such unwearyingness, behold, I will bless the forever; and I will make the mighty in word and in deed, in faith and in works ; yea, even that all things shall be done unto thee according to thy word, for thou shalt not ask that which is contrary to my will.

When I saw the word unwearyingness it struck me. I looked up the definition; the act of being unwearying.

unwearying - showing sustained enthusiastic action with unflagging vitality; "an indefatigable advocate of equal rights"; "a tireless worker"; "unflagging pursuit of excellence"

indefatigable, tireless,unflagging

energetic - possessing or exerting or displaying energy; "an energetic fund raiser for the college"; "an energetic group of hikers"; "it caused an energetic chemical reaction"

I'm trying to unwearyingly exercise my faith, the blessings are worth the hardships. 

The good, the bad, and the ugly

We've made it through the cold. It was an easy one for me & the older kids, kids didn't miss school, I didn't even notice I was sick. However, miss Georgia had quite the different experience. She stopped tolerating feeds and just felt yucky. No pneumonia and her doc fought to get her the rsv vaccine & got it so yah!!!  The stinky thing is she dropped A LOT of weight. She's back down to 10lbs 6oz, dang!!!!   There are new borns who weigh that and shes 5 months old!  We'd just got her up!  But she's back up to full feeds and taking 4 oz every three hours, which is so great because there was a time I thought she'd never take more than 3 oz!  She's still on just breast milk because she had such a bad reaction to formula, so for the foreseeable future it will be strictly breast milk. I'm pumping so much it hurts and that's all I will say about that,,,

The good/cute thing she does is,,, I had tried so much to make her love tummy time. She has very low muscle tone in her arms/upper body. On her tummy she just lays there like a newborn & screams. So I put her on tummy and helped her roll over. When she got to her back I'd cheer & clap like crazy. She loved it, she goes crazy kicking and smiling. So cute and it had the right effect. She loves tummy time and rolls over. If you don't cheer for her she yells at you. So funny and she's getting stronger.

I was not going to post this, it's a little ugly, but it's true and this page is my therapy. I took Cash, my two year old  to dentist this morning.  Blake's out of town for a family emergency and I thought I'm a big girl I can take my kid to dentist. Then he freaks out and won't sit or anything. The hygienist says no problem, we'll get an assistant to help (I told her Georgia had severe reflux that morning and I had to hold her upright). Then the dentist comes back you can tell he's not going for it. He says we like mom to hold so we're not creating a bad experience, cant you get a car seat?!?  I drug Cash out to get cars seat then I drag him back in as hes screaming.  I'm kinda mad at this point. When we got back in I told dentist I was so uncomfortable with the arrangement.  He says he won't proceed then. I say why can't someone help with my two year old, he says, we already gave you that option. I said yes and I agreed to that. He says again, well I just don't feel comfortable proceeding today. I keep suggesting options on how they can proceed and help him. The dentist just says over and over, I'm not comfortable proceeding. Finally, after a few minutes of this I realize he's kicking me out. So I get up and say ok so we need to go?  He claps his hands and says alright, like it was my idea. I just let them lead us out. At the counter they say, we couldn't do the exam on him (like they even tried).  I walk to the car, I realize they didn't even offer to reschedule. So I go back in and say what can we do to make this work and get him seen?  He again relayed to me, through the receptionist, he didn't want to proceed and they don't give me the option to reschedule.  So I leave again and I get in the car and just start crying. For those of you that know me I literally never cry. I must have been due for a cry because I literally cried for the longest time. I cant really express why it hurt me so bad. I think its because i was just starting to take my life back and feel empowered and feel like i could do life even with a special needs baby and three other little kids and he took that from me and made me feel small and helpless again. I remember Sawyer was afraid of the dentist and they'd give him a stuffed animal and talk with him and offer cool toys. They literally tried nothing. Georgia's nurse who comes to do weight checks says it was probably because I had told them she was special needs. If she would've choked they would've been liable. I just wish he would've kicked me out before I wasted over thirty minutes there and drug Cash all over the place. Poor Cash probably thinks dentist are horrible people that make mommies cry for an hour ;). The good thing is I called my insurance company and they found  us a dentist close who accepts special needs patients. I'm hoping they'll be more accommodating.

So there it is, the good the bad the ugly. My life is full of all those things, but it is good and thank goodness I know there's something much better waiting for me and sweet Georgia!  Heavenly Father has a plan for us & I'm trying to learn all I need to learn & be a good example here on earth!

Sick baby

I've been worried about cold season and this week and when Chloe came home with the sniffles I was bracing myself for the worst. A week after Georgia left the nicu she got a cold and it was so hard to keep her breathing passage clear. Well she's sick now and aside from wanting to be held constantly and throwing up after her feeds she's doing great and breathing fine.

The throwing up I'm sure is because of mucus and the fact that you loose appetite when you're sick. A typical kid would refuse food, Georgia can't tell me when to stop pumping food in her belly. I get so worried when she throws up though. Can't help but be reminded of the constant throwing up after her hiatal hernia and I also worry about her aspirating or breathing in too much and getting pneumonia. I think a lesson I need to learn in this life is STOP worrying.

Whoops!

Everyone warned me it would happen and it did last night,,,Georgia's button popped right out of her belly. She was sick all night with a little head cold so she was in and out of bed. Well at one point at four in the morning I realize she's soaked. I open her Jammie's and, yup, panic!!!  Her button has ripped out. It doesn't break skin, but that  hole is like a piercing it closes and it closes FAST!  You have to get it redialated if its out for more than a couple hours. Needless to say I was freaking out hoping I wouldn't have to make a trip to the hospital. I go to push it in and it's tight, way to tight to push in. She's screaming as I'm shoving this button back in her tummy and its just not going in. Finally, I remember what one of my new best friends told me about putting in buttons, that its easier if you shove it down with a q tip. I run and get one, put a glob of ky jelly and pop, it went back in. I picked up my screaming baby, and remember when I used to ask the nicu nurses how they inflicted pain on little babies. They said they could because they knew it was for their good. That sunk in for me last night. Didn't want this little one back in the hospital and I just did what needed to be done even though it sucked doing that to her. I told her nurse today and she said I did the right thing and we both laughed at how far I'd come from freaking out through her first button change that she ended up having to finish for me. Ugh, my friend I mentioned above told me it happened to her daughter three times this week, I better get used to it ;).